I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it