is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
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*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Meow
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?