corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
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When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
all that yoga finally paid off
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind