Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
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[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
john wicks are toilet candles
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
What?
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are