My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
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[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia