Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
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i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
So true for me
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card