*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
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hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.