“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
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kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I’m going to need a moment here.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can