Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
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Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.