Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
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Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF