87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
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When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.