i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
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Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.