Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
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My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.