I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
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I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Oops
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s