My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
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My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.