Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
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If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
wow
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
My kitchen overserved me.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Living the best life.. 😊
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”