“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
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All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…