i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
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Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?