What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
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I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
This fish is cracking me up
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
sigh
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait