#Caturday
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When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Happy Taco Tuesday
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…