my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
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ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
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I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]