College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
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I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.