God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
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90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
The absolute effort that went into this omg
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…