Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
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Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
This classic never gets old . . .
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.