How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
You Might Also Like
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids