I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
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If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.