Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
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Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
PLOT TWIST:
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Thursday
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?