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accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Name this drama.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.