Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
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Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Tell me you get it…🤣
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I think this cat is broken
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.