My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
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I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
smh
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game