My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
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Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
me irl
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*