If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
You Might Also Like
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast