Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
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I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
A short story of betrayal:
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE