I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
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Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.