Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
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HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.