PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
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I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I’m confused about plants
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.