*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
You Might Also Like
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.