Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
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Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Come back with a warrant
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.