Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
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The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..