“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
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I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore