Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
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Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Selfie
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*