Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
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Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.