My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
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The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Perfect.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage