Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
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*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered