my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
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[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
No laws when master is gone
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*