What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
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HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.