When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
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Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Stop.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
The struggle is real.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.