I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
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Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
This classic never gets old . . .
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in