Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
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My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.