A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
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ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Grandmother clock.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
@funTweeters
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?